Human Interest

Choosing the Right Relationship

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Today I walked away from an engagement. I met what seemed to be an amazing man. He was smart, charismatic, hardworking, and nice looking. When we talked, it was apparent that we both wanted the same things. So with that in mind, we went on to build a relationship. But early on I started to see signs. There were things he would say that although on the surface nothing was wrong, in my gut I’d feel a knot, when I heard them.

 

For a while we parted. I needed time to pray, reassess, and make sure I was making good decisions. I didn’t want to walk away prematurely from what could be an epic lifetime love affair, but at the same time, I didn’t want to land myself in a proverbial hot place either. There were cultural differences between us. This was no problem for me. I rather liked men of his culture and background, and knew many couples who had thriving intercultural marriages and relationships. Sure, it would take some patience and getting over the learning curves, but all was not lost. I was up for the challenge.

 

I don’t remember the day or exactly what happened, but what I do remember is the feeling of anxiety I felt before I was to have my next interaction with him. It reminded me of the knot children feel when they’ve done something wrong and have to stand before their parents and give account. This was not a good thing. I found myself starting to avoid and limit my interactions with him. Then we hacked it out and all seemed to be okay.

 

It wasn’t long before those same behaviors started encroaching on our interactions again. To me, it seemed we were arguing all the time. This was so foreign to me because I don’t argue. I’ve never been involved with men who I had to argue with. In those relationships, we’d peacefully talk it out or give space or whatever was needed to get to a mutually beneficial place. It also seemed that he wasn’t listening when I expressed my issues. Instead, he seemed focused on drilling his stance into my head. And that’s exactly how I felt…like he was pounding his ideas, his wants, his desires into me, while at the same time not concerning himself with how those things affected me. My words were going right out the window as I tried to help him see what he was doing to our relationship.

 

For anyone who knows women, it is pretty standard knowledge that when we are talking about an issue, the person is still in good standing. However, when we become silent some sort of huge change is on the horizon that won’t fair well for the offending party. In the midst of a particularly heated conversation, I just went silent. I do not like repeating myself and I do not like wasting my time or effort. This was clearly going nowhere. I knew he took my silence to mean I had come on board to his desires. Inside, I had disengaged from this conversation, and relationship, and was now in reflective mode asking myself the hard questions.

 

When I finished reassessing my needs, wants, and desires, I saw that this relationship was sorely lacking. Now, let me say this. I am in my forties and have never been married. At a different time in my life, my non-married status was something that made me feel less than. I judged my worthiness on the fact that others around me were marrying and things were just not working out for me. When the man I loved choose another more to his mother’s liking and married her, something in me broke. I knew I needed to really delve deep and see what was going on inside of me.

 

It took a while, but the outcome was someone more self-assured. Someone who did not need to define herself based on a marriage status. I took time to discover what I really wanted in a relationship. In that, I also took time to assess myself and be honest about what I was able to bring to the table and where I still needed to work the kinks out. I began a mission of self-improvement and I’ve been on it for years. Every day became an opportunity for me to become the best version of myself.

 

What I knew deep inside is that the better I became within my own life, the better caliber of people I’d attract, in any capacity, into my life. I have seen this to be true, repeatedly. So when said gentleman came into my life, I could look at what I truly wanted and see if this was a relationship that fit the bill. Initially, it seemed to. I bring all of this up to say that it is important to know where you are. It is also important to know what you truly want. Far too often we focus on what we don’t want, and we continue to get more of the same. As the universe cannot distinguish the difference between what we do want or what we don’t want. It only feeds off where we place our energy. Think on that.

 

The truly powerful thing about knowing what you want, and writing it down, is that it becomes a compass letting you know if you are headed in the right direction for your desired outcome. When something comes up and you feel those ‘checks’ within yourself, it is an indicator that you are off track somewhere. This is when that list becomes important. It becomes a reference guide to remind you of your priorities, your desires. Knowing what you want and creating the list (or vision board, or mind map, you get the idea) is how you stay on task for purposeful living. And for those of you who have been following me for a while, know I am all about living life on purpose.

 

Here are some practical tips to help put you on the path of discovering your true wants and relationship needs.

 

  1. Reflect. Take some quiet time away from everyone and look over all of the relationships you have had in the past. Divide a sheet of paper in half and write down on one side all of the positive attributes, feelings, and experiences you got from each of those relationships. On the other side, write down all of the negative experiences and episodes that caused you to feel less than elated in those relationships. This is a very important step, because it becomes a gauge to point you in the direction you want to go.
  2. Assess. When you look over this list, you may discover that certain feelings come to the surface. You may find yourself reliving the experience as if it just happened. Take a second piece of paper and write down all of those positive experiences or feelings you’ve had in the past and want to recreate in the future. Next, take the negative experiences and see how they made you feel. Tapping into this feeling is important. How we feel is a large part of what the universe responds to when releasing into our lives. Take that negative feeling and turn it into a positive attribute to go on your list. For example, if every time you got ready to speak, the person cut you off and took over the conversation talking about his or herself, the feeling of not being important or validated probably rose up in your energy field. How you turn this into a positive would be to put on your new list: “This person validates me and is such a great listener. We have wonderful, mutually beneficial communication.” Even just writing that down evokes a higher vibration energy.
  3. Soul-search. Take some time to ask yourself what attributes you want your partner to have. This may take a little while and that’s okay. After all, we are talking about attracting someone who is going to be in your life for a while. You want to take all the time you need to make sure you’re attracting the best life has to offer you. As you are working on the list, ask yourself which attributes are must-haves and which are optional. Differentiate the two on your list.
  4. Consult. This is such an important task that it is vital to include someone else in the process with you. Who is closest to you? Who knows, understands, and supports you the most? That is the person you want to give you feedback. Without delving into your list, ask the person to make a list of their own what attributes they think your ideal mate should have. More than likely this person will come up with items on their list you never thought about, but that would be highly significant for your mate the have.
  5. Wait. Now that all of this is done, review it, make sure it’s complete. Thank the universe for supplying it and forget about it. Literally. Then work on becoming the person who is on that list. As you become a better version of yourself, you will attract people who are on the same energy field as you. Relationships are just a reflection of what is going on inside of you. That can be a very scary thought at times, but it doesn’t have to be. Just get happy learning yourself and working on yourself. There is so much life to live. Enjoy it!

 

Know that what you need and what you want matters. YOU MATTER. Self- love and self-care are not selfish. Intentional living is a tool placed on earth to help you enjoy this gift of life you’ve been given to the extreme. Welcome the gift.

 

Changing lives one word at a time…Tumika Patrice Cain

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Tumika Patrice Cain is an award-winning author, media personality, and motivational speaker. Through her imprint, Inkscriptions Publishing & Media Group, she provides high quality, affordable, mentor-based publishing services to indie authors, as well as inspired, empowering messages of hope and abundance through her media outlets. Her works can be found in many publications, including Fresh Lifestyle Magazine. To learn more about Tumika, her books, and her services visit the following websites. http://www.TumikaPatrice.com and http://www.InkscriptionsPMG.com

 

 

Tumika Patrice Cain is an award-winning author of fiction and nonfiction works, book publisher, media personality and motivational speaker. Her timely messages of hope and inspiration are highly sought out. She offers practical instruction of living one’s best, most authentic life. Tumika is changing lives one word at a time! Connect with Tumika at www.TumikaPatrice.com.

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